Adjust your child’s behavior in 8 steps.
In the previous article, we discussed three facts about difficult behaviors that parents need to understand. And now we will talk about practical steps that will help adults who are faced with difficult child behavior.
Step 1: Identify the target.
It is good if parents know exactly what behavior of the child is unacceptable, poses a threat, creates difficulties for him or others. Unfortunately, this situation is rare.
Adults often strive to educate children at once. The child is presented with an endless list of requirements: excellent marks, a clean room, hairstyle "like normal children." Someone gets a run in the morning with their mom at the stadium.
With this approach, the only thing a family is guaranteed is resistance and scandal. Therefore, before you take up education, think, observe. Measure your requests with reality and stop at 1-3 points of the list of requirements, the failure of which causes especially many difficulties for you and the child.
Step 2: Weigh the pros and cons.
At this stage, we suggest you think again about how critical and difficult the child’s behavior is that you would like to change. And how will your child's life change if he behaves differently? Remember: obedient in this aspect, he will become not only with you, but with everyone else.
Next, study books or discuss with a psychologist, the natural features of age development. Learn about the theory of age-related crises. You will see if your child is going through a turning point. If so, then perhaps all of the observed behavioral difficulties are a natural manifestation of age development. And you just have to wait it out.
Check the legality of the requirements. Are they violating the rights of the child? Maybe the child just grew up, and he is still treated like a little. In this case, adults simply try to enter “foreign territory”.
Step 3: Become Sherlock Holmes.
Refuse emotional cries and abstract phrases like “He’s driving me crazy!” All you need is facts. Talk about what your child is doing that makes you crazy. When does he do that? Always? Maybe there were times when he didn’t do that? Get rid of shortcuts and generalizations, describe difficult situations and actions of the child in specific words.
Step 4: Explain to your child what is bothering you.
At this stage, three-part “I-statements” can become an indispensable tool. It’s the most honest and environmentally friendly way to tell someone what happens to you when they don’t behave the way they want to.
The diagram of the statement is as follows: the first part is about you and your feelings - "I am angry ...", "I am afraid ...", "I am upset ...". Remember, there is a fundamental difference between “I’m angry” and “You made me angry...” Because it was you who got angry. And the child just decided to dye his hair green without any intention to piss the adults off.
The second part of the statement is about the actions of the child, which seem difficult. And here it is important to evaluate words and actions, but not the qualities of the person. He said, “When you listen to music, you have to.” “You’ve grown selfish, so you don’t let me rest.” It was for the possibility of such specific formulations in the third stage that you became Sherlocks.
The third part is an explanation of why this behavior is difficult and what you would like in return. For example, “I’m very tired today and I have a headache.” Could you listen to music with your headphones on? The effect of these phrases is often so strong that the situation is resolved without further steps.
Step 5: Look for a need.
If you have studied the situation well, then this stage will most likely not be a difficult task for you. In fact, you need to answer two simple questions. The first is, why does a child behave like this -- what does he want? What happens when you persist in this way? And the second question is, does he know the alternative? I mean, does he know a greener way to get what he wants? Is there a way to get what you want in your family?
Step 6: Learn to do things differently.
If the child knows that his mother will pay attention to him without tantrums, the need for them will disappear. If a confession in bad marks is not a reason for punishment, but an opportunity to get support and together look for a way out of the situation, lying about marks will not make sense. It’s the parent’s job to push the boundaries of the child’s experience and teach them to achieve their goals in a more comfortable and safe way.
Steps 7 and 8: Support, praise, or let the consequences come.
Changes in behavior will not happen in a minute. You have a long way to go, during which it is important to support and praise each sprout of new behavior. And it's also important to remember that supporting good behavior works, on average, four times faster than punishing hard behavior.
So don’t skimp on praise if the child who lied to you has become honest. Pay attention to washed dishes as emotionally as you shout over a mountain of dirty plates.
What to do if difficult behavior does not go away? Let's have an opportunity to have consequences. Except where they pose a threat to the life or health of the child. You didn't learn your homework? Good. You'll get a two tomorrow. You didn't wash the dishes? Great. We'll wait until you wash it, we'll sit without plates. Be mindful of the needs and reinforcements of difficult behavior, and avoid it. Good luck!